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I need to not be stagnant and I need to feel like I did May 2nd and how I talked and to feel like I did on August 2007, and I'm getting it back I think.  I cut the grass today and I played some alto and I felt generally inspired, which is a nice thing any time. I spend the weekend at Taylor's, we watched some movies. Phantom of the Opera playing and talking about it and not terribly liking but liking being there and talking about it with Taylor, who does terribly love it, "how many times have we rolled around on this floor?"  I missed rolling around on that floor and that general feeling but it is coming back like it came back the night before, and like it will feel in Kent and if what I'm secretly possibly lamely but truthfully hoping for does happen, like that will feel.  I don't think I will feel terribly compelled to be restless at night, even if she isn't facing me. It'll be okay because I can just look forward to the morning and be ok with that, that there will be an entire day and a life'sworth of days like that, at least for a while.  I won't feel nothing and I'll create enough myself.

Rambled enough for now without making sense to barely anyone. It was a good weekend and a bit of a weight is off of my shoulders.  I didn't really work today but I got a paycheck. I need to get a secure (relatively) job and I have to get my GED before I can do that and I have to make more money than that will make anyway so there will still be enough of shit shit to go aorund.  It's been weird to be involved in something again, even when I feel like an audience, the whole Trojan Women play.  You have people inviting you places for a party and generally being like "whatever, cool" about you and kind of feeling the same about them.  I haven't had that in a while, and it was only there for like five minutes, but that's something.  I went through my closet today which is more of a task than it sounds like, and I was looking for a sax book to play anything at all, and I found it in my past book bag with some band stuff.  The Grand Nationals book thing and the scraps of paper in an envelope with a broken metal bender, and I looked at those weirdly.  I felt a weird sort of nostalgia for all of that, but it's nostalgia and it's much better than anyof that felt at the time.  I really don't regret my decision to drop out of school.  I hope I can make some friends in college, sort of, but I am so ridiculously bad at functioning endearingly around people I don't know.  It'd be cool to have friends again.  I am cool with Taylor and Terry being my close friends definitely, but there's something about hanging out with people that is just something you want to feel.  Black metal would disagree with me and it has a point.  But you either go one way or the other and I am not going the way black metal tends to go, and considering, much for my better.  Anyway, I feel like Kent will just rejuvenate my fucking heart.  That one day, last Saturday I believe, Taylor and I were in Kent all day just doing shit and feeling good.  We skipped rocks and walked around the park and went to the relay for life and it was all good like it should be.  I am hoping to travel with Taylor and see a lot of places.  I can't really ramble much more because I don't have much more to say but I also don't know how to end this.  Sometime in the last two weeks I ran into Mr. DiCesare in Music & Speech at Kent State, and we talked a minute.  He and I always got along in a less annoying manner than he and anyone else imo. Ha.  But it was pleasant, I waved to him while disappearing around a corner/staircase, and he looked up and followed me into the room, and asked what I was doing there, and I said going to theater practice with my girlfriend *point* and he said "hey, I heard you, uhm stopped going to high school" and I said "ah, yeah-""got you GED?""yeah, and I'm coming here in the fall""Kent State?""yeah""for sure?""yeah, definitely" and he said "cool, I'll see you around then""yeah, definitely, see you" and it was pleasant and made my night partially, so I feel like documenting it before I mostly forget about it.

Speaking of all that, I am still pretty undecided on what to do major-wise.  I am feeling increasingly drawn towards music, but I can't go into something like that like that, I guess photojournalism is still a pretty wise choice there for now.  I don't know.  I'm out.

I don't understand people.  I don't understand someone dedicating so much fucking time to hating someone and making them miserable.  I hate that people are on the other side of that when they have done nothing to deserve being in the position.